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Dr. Lori Mariani
PsyD, LICSW, PSEP, CYT
Relationship Struggles
Early relationships, within and around our family of origin,
foster a blueprint for our lifelong relational patterns.
The ways in which our physical, emotional, and even
spiritual needs are met in childhood, instill a subconscious
understanding of what we can expect from other humans.
As children we depend on adults to provide safety,
nourishment, support, and love. If our parents struggled to
tend to these needs, we found other ways to ensure we
survived. The ways in which we got our own needs met or
had them met for us forms our attachment style as well as our
methods for self-regulation (Orehek, et.al., 2017).
Attachment Styles
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth (Retherton, 1992) provided the following categories of attachment styles which relate to an individual's ability to tolerate and regulate their emotional world. These categories are an outline of intra-family aspects of attachment and do not consider the external, societal factors found that affect our development of self.
For this reason, look at them as an informational guide rather than factual account about you and your experience. As you read, perhaps notice what aspects cause a reaction in you. What do you dismiss straight away? What resonates?
Secure Attachment
In childhood - A close bond between child and caregiver ensuring needs are cared for appropriately providing a sense of trust in caregivers. Caregivers are seen as a safe and secure base instilling confidence in the child to try out individual tasks and become independent.
In adulthood - A strong sense of self with an ability to form close, honest relationships. This person is able to set healthy boundaries with others allowing for a balance between autonomy and companionship.
Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment
In childhood - Caregivers were not consistently available to meet the child’s needs. For instance, a parent might be neglectful one moment and indulgent the next by offering gifts to repair mistakes. It can become unclear for a child what type of parent they will receive on any given day in any given hour. The child’s behaviors can swing in a similar direction being overly clingy followed by aggression and a pulling away.
In adulthood - This person may seek out a partner or peer to rely on in a way that makes them feel complete. With little self-esteem they may be possessive or clingy seeking constant reassurance and untrusting of a partner’s independence. Their focus in life may be on interpersonal relationships as their deep need is for emotional security.
A relational cycle may evolve where fears of abandonment and beliefs that “I cannot trust others” are supported through their acts of holding on too tightly to a partner ultimately pushing them away.
Dismissive/Avoidant Attachment
In childhood - A caregiver is emotionally unavailable or distant the majority of the time. The child learns quickly to hold in their emotional reactions because their displays of sadness, fear or love are met with rejection. These children learn ways to soothe themselves making them appear independent. Their needs for attachment are often met through the absence of emotion as closeness with caregivers may be more available when they are stoic and quiet.
In adulthood - This person may present as fiercely independent and unaffected by emotionality. They are unfamiliar with and therefore uncomfortable with intimacy. They may appear to be selfish as they do not have a relationship with their emotions and therefore have difficulty emotionally attuning with a partner or peers.
Fearful/Avoidant Attachment
In childhood – A caregiver is struggling in their own life and in many cases taking out frustrations on the children through abuse or neglect. In this way, the adult caregiver that should provide security is ultimately scary and unavailable. As a human, the child wants to attach to their caregiver but have learned through experience that they are unsafe adults that offer only rejection. The experience fosters a core belief of “I am a horrible person, faulty and unlovable.”
In adulthood - Unlike with the dismissive attachment style above, this person does not hide behind a fierce sense of independence. Instead they may create a persona/mask/false self to operate behind in line with what they think others want from them.
This person craves emotional connection and may have multiple surface level relationships. However, the moment relationships become deeper or intimate, the fear of rejection interrupts shifting their behaviors. It may be difficult for this person to be empathetic to others as there is discomfort around truly honest and intimate relationships.
Deeper Understanding
Through experiencing interactions we form beliefs about ourselves and others which weave into our own patterns of emotional and behavioral responses. Patterns and cycles are the core of life and therefore simple to slip into.
It is within our close relationships that our ways of relating shine brightest. We play out our unconscious methods for getting needs met within the relative safety of family and close peers. We may be avoiding close relationships or pushing away those that are close in order to stay clear of abandonment or rejection or building internal stability by ensuring our behaviors receive external validation.
Common Relationship Challenges:
When interacting with humans, I find it important to keep in mind that most likely we each have personal struggles we are tending to. To engage with empathy and honesty opens up a shift from patterned behaviors. Be gentle with yourself and others.
Communication Blocks - In the busy life of modern humans, communication has shifted into short text messages, emails or passing comments. The sharing of emotion, thoughts and experience is the basis for honest connection in relationship.
Spend time hearing one another out. Set time in your schedule to speak to a partner/peer and reflect back to them what you hear them experiencing, thinking or feeling. The act of being heard and seen is a powerful counteraction strategy to problems.
Defensiveness - Perhaps fueled by the above attachment styles, we have defense mechanisms anchored in fear and sheltering our sense of self (see fear under life challenges).
Identifying and lifting out of our defenses is a method of personal growth. A trusted partner/peer can offer gentle acknowledgements when he/she senses you falling into defensive strategies.
Blaming/Criticizing - As a defensive strategy we may choose to see problems situated only in the other. We shift our own discomfort in self to our partners/peers to unconsciously protect our self perception.
Resentments - Having resentments is like taking poison in order to harm someone else (unknown source). Holding on to resentments not only destroys relationships but can make you physically ill as well.
Expel the resentments in written form or to a trusted friend. Identify the resentments, acknowledge and allow them and then send that energy out of you. You can make a choice to begin fresh with your partner/peer. Respectfully voice what makes you upset at the moment it occurs. Your feelings/thoughts matter.
Power Struggle/Role Definition - Within romantic, family or peer relationships unclear role definitions can create underlying power struggles manifesting in methods of communication and building up resentments.
For some being in control is a defensive strategy perceived as vital for psychological safety and survival. When there are two people with strong wills attempting to be in connection, struggles can arise. Understand your need for control, where it stems from and how it presents.
These ways of being may be working for you or you may find yourself wondering, Why do all my relationships keep falling apart? Why do I keep playing out the same fight with a partner or friend?
If we clear away pride, the way we interact in relationships can be a window into the areas of needed growth.
Interact with yourself with a curious mind, gently looking beneath the current interaction or mood to what drives the way you see yourself and others.
Reference:
Orehek, E,. Vazeou-Nieuwenhuis, A., Quick, E. & Weaverling, G. (2017) Attachment and Self-Regulation. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. Mar;43(3):365-380. doi: 10.1177/0146167216685292.
Retherton I., 1992. The Origins of Attachment Theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. [online] stonybrook. Available at: <http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/online/inge_origins.pdf> [Accessed 13 March 2016].
