Family Discord

Ideally a family is a team that communicates, protects and guides one another

from a place of deep appreciation for self and other. This foundation would

provide a space for parent and child alike to grow into physical, emotional

and spiritual self understanding.

Realistically the family is a co-existing, intertwined unit with each member

guided by individual patterns of behavior and external pressures.

The idea of a perfect family is an illusion in this cyclical nature of modern life

and relationship. The rules of perfection are self-inflicted, societally supported

notions of how we “should” be that lead us into mental traps of confusion.

So, take a breath, it is normal to have times of conflict in a family. In fact the family unit, a seemingly safe space, is ideal for playing out our "stuff." Conflict can then be framed as a doorway into a journey of self-reflection and opportunity for change.

The following is a list of common challenges that get in the way of a harmonious team.

Common Challenges:

Unresolved Past Experience (familial) – As if on autopilot, the present can be a replay of the past as the family offers a playground for the essence of cycles and patterns (see blog post shifting patterns). A parent enters into his/her role based on their experience of being parented making it easy for unresolved past experiences to seep into present day ways of being.

For example, abuse is a very common cycle found in family systems. Perhaps, a new father grew up with a father who managed anger by hitting him. As a parent he continues the cycle by unleashing the stressors of modern life onto his son thus continuing the cycle. Or, perhaps a new mother grew up without a mother of her own and has held onto emotions around this experience. Unknowingly, she projects this onto her child by not opening herself into the role of mother. Being a mother may bring up too much emotional pain making avoidance necessary for self-protection.

Unresolved past experience (within marriage) – Each member of a marriage also brings with them relational patterns. If not nurtured, disagreements or past hurts between couples can affect their ability to parent. Disagreements in parenting styles, finances, disciplining, etc. are often linked to difficulties in communicating, past resentments or a break in trust. When parents are a united front, not devoid of conflict completely, they provide a strong example and anchor for their children.

Collision of Needs – When we have children our lives shift dramatically. The sense of self fades as all attention settles into this new being. Perhaps out of our own survival instinct or just pure exhaustion, we may move into resentment. You may say to yourself, “I have no time for myself now, everything is about him.” Such thinking can instill confusion as you have deep love for your child but also personal needs. A child has ongoing needs through maturation and beyond. A conscious reorganization of our ‘self’ may ensure our own and our child’s needs are met in healthful ways. If not, resentment could fuel for passive and even unconscious behaviors toward your child.

Codependency (Beattie, 1992)- Codependency, AKA dependence on the external world for internal validation, is ever present. People who are codependent are often named people pleasers and live their lives to be accepted by others. In families, parents who do not have a strong sense of self-esteem may cling to their children as extensions of themselves rather than unique individuals on their own path. An unhealthy reliance on one another causes personal boundaries between family members to become blurred. There is a shared psychological and emotional experience as child takes care of parent or parent lives the emotionality of the child. An undercurrent of shame moves this relational style which is very hard to detect as the family system is quite closed within itself.

Communication Difficulties - Built on a foundation of trust and respect, effective verbal and non-verbal communication allows all parties to express their inner experience of thought, feeling and opinion. In the same way patterns of behaviors continue through generations, communication patterns can also be born out of past experiences. I often hear from people that they have a sense of enduring the same exact argument over and over again without an understanding of how to get out of it.

A respected family therapist named Virginia Satir (1991) named the following roles/communication styles that family members often fall into. Do any of these speak to you or your family members?

Placater: Operates from a need to please others in order to feel accepted. She/he may agree to whatever one offers, take on the responsibilities of others and try to keep the peace. She/he may resemble a martyr.

Blamer: Acting from power this person is more aggressive in their communication blaming and criticizing. She/he gives off the feeling that "I am better than you" while in reality they are working to protect themselves from feeling vulnerable.

Super-reasonable/Computer: Also seeking to avoid vulnerability this person may show little affection while operating from intellect. She/he avoids emotions instead acts calm and rational during arguments using logic to reason.

Irrelevant/Distracter: Deep down this person may feel like an outcast in the family. They act as if conflict is not even occurring in the family. Perhaps while members are fighting they may ask a question completely irrelevant to the argument like "where is my clean shirt?" or make a joke.

Leveler: This person uses a straight forward and open communication style. Secure in a sense of self, they do not minimize or exaggerate experiences and take responsibility for their actions when necessary.

Divorce/Separation – When parents chose to move their relationship into separate directions the resulting changes in the family take time and consideration. As parents, you may have decided that being in separate households is best for the children. Even so, children are often left confused even blaming themselves for the break in family ties. Their behaviors may escalate as they have difficulty navigating an overwhelming amount of emotion. A renegotiation of family roles may be beneficial along with a heartfelt allowance for expressions of questions, fears and emotions.

The level of depth and honesty within the relationship with ourselves, expands our ability to relate with another. If you feel your family is lost in the turbulent trajectory of these patterns you are not alone! Please seek out some support. A therapist can help you to name the patterns and develop strategies for you and your family when you become entranced by the power of cycles.

References:

Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent no more : how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. Center City, MN: Hazelden.

Satir, V. (1991). The Satir model: family therapy and beyond. Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books.